Pineapple Madness
by philoSOPHIA
Summary: Professor Slughorn overdoses on crystallized pineapple and will stop anyone who stands in his way from getting more. Occurs during HBP, so if you haven't finished it yet read faster! ::cracks whip::
1. The Call of the Wild

Professor Slughorn Overdoses on Crystallized Pineapple

by the most humble fanfic authors Alex and Sasha

Note: This fanfic occurs during the course of the Half-Blood Prince. If you haven't finished it yet, WHY!

Disclaimer: Her's, not Our's.

Chapter One: The Call of the Wild

Professor Slughorn was quite satisfied with his new job. At first he was a little skeptical but then he realized that Harry Potter would be one of his students. Oh, that Harry Potter! He would go very far in life! Well, provided he didn't go down in a huge, blazing inferno in his final death match against the most powerful dark wizard the world has ever seen, and ending his career at the age of seventeen.

In keeping with tradition, Professor Slughorn often had meetings of his Slug Club, although Harry Potter did not always attend. But you know that already because after you finished reading HBP, you probably picked it up and read it again. So during one of these meetings, there was a knock at the door and Professor Slughorn went to open it. Standing there was the most hideous man he had ever seen. Behold! There stood Frito Cologne, the Post Office Man, one eye twitching, holding an enormous case of crystallized pineapple. It had a pink bow wrapped around it, and pineapple leaves at the top of the structure.

Poor Frito was straining under the weight of it all and had suddenly lost control and dropped it on his foot. Slughorn was not paying much attention to Frito's pain but had instead taken the pipe out of his mouth (for he was a sophisticated wizard) and tucked it into his velvet waistcoat- all the while being very enchanted at the unexpected gift. However, his guests looked rather confused. Hermione, who had been up until then very preoccupied with just sitting around and being in denial, now coughed and pointed to Frito, who seemed to have something else to say. Frito, a little annoyed, pulled a kazoo from his grimy pockets and gave it a toot.

A Message for dear Professor Slughorn:

For he's a jolly good fellow

Who deserves something big and yellow

He's just cooler than cool

He's the Slytherin king of Hogwarts school!

Slughorn was very flattered by this message and took the incredible-edible gift over to his desk. He knew that to properly eat and enjoy this gift, he would have to be completely alone. Large sugary confections could not be eaten in such quantities in public, as every gentleman knew.

With this in mind, Slughorn began to coax students out of his office, one by one, until only Hermione, who had sensed Slughorn's intentions, remained. She tried her best to warn her teacher about the dangers of high sugar content. She would know after all; her parents were dentists. Seriously- her birthday cake each year was made out of celery and carrot sticks. In the end Slughorn resorted to threatining his favorite student with expulsion if she didn't go away. Hermione went away, sadly and knowingly shaking her head.

As soon as she had rounded the corner, Slughorn slammed the door, locked it in every way possible, pushed a wardrobe in front of it, and ran over to his desk to hug the giant pineapple, though his arms didn't reach the full length around it. It was a beautiful moment, though not for the pineapple, who feared for its life. Slughorn pulled from the embrace and resumed his calm, cultured self and daintily tugged at the ribbon. As soon as he saw that it easily gave way, he stated quite jovialy,

"My, my, it looks like Professor Slughorn has caught the flu and will not be able to teach class today!" He then proceeded to tear at the clear plastic wrapping ravenously and then opened the case, which stood open at the hinges so that the pineapple shaped case was split in half. Slughorn tipped the case over on its side and jumped into it so that he sat in it like a bathtub, floating in pineapple chunks. He held his breath and dived under.

Slughorn emerged from the plastic case only when it was completely empty. Not a speck of sugar remained for he had carefully licked the entire case clean. He did not look at all like his usual self. One eye looked bigger than the other, his mouth hung open, his nose was as red as if he had drunk a barrel of vodka, and his hands wouldn't stop twitching. He turned towards the locked door, planning his next move.

Only one thought registered in his now greatly simplified mind: More! Like a wild animal following instincts from the most primitive and savage part of his soul, so did Slughorn dash out of his office and run towards the dungeons where he knew he kept a secret stash of crystallized pineapple. His expensive leather shoes slid on the marble floor when he reached the stairs. Several students and Professor McGonagall stared as their new Potions Master slid down the arm rail of the Grand Staircase yelling "Citric Acid!" and disappearing into the depths of Hogwarts School. Faster than you can say 'sugar high' Slughorn had run into Snape's office and unexpectedly, into Professor Snape himself. The greasy-haired man started at the sight of the man who had taking his unwanted teaching position looking rather wild.

Slughorn bared his teeth at Snape, then barked. Terrified, Snape let Slughorn run past him to his supply closet where he removed one of the numerous jars. As he backed out of his office, Snape noticed that the jar was not one of his. The thing that prompted this thought was that Slughorn had unscrewed the cap, tipped the jar over, and into his mouth poured pieces of something yellow. Slughorn then tore off his velvet smoking jacket and poured the remaining pineapple into it. He spun on his heel again and ran out of the room, but not before stuffing a handful of crystallized pineapple into Snape's mouth, patting him on the head, saying "Good boy! Sit! Heel!" and once again tearing out of the room with a sound very much like a war cry.

It was too much for Snape. In Slughorn's way, he stood perfectly still. Then...he giggled. He walked back into his office and picked up the now empty jar. On it was a label, with jagged writing in crayon. "This isn't crystallized pineapple. It's not here at all. Go away." Snape slammed it against the wall and it shattered. Stupid Slughorn...that bastard at all of the pineapple. Snape skulked back into his office, a scowl on his face. Serves him right, that dirt traitor.

Review like good children. 


	2. Ananasendium Fructalis

Chapter Two: Ananas-endium Fructalis

"Professor, how are you this afternoon?" asked Professor Dumbledore from behind. Slughorn stopped in his tracks, mouth full of...oh, well you know. He didn't dare turn around but stood there like a guilty child.

"Grnmagherdr. Grrrrglenapple." he said as nonchalantly as he could. Dumbledore just smiled serenly under his half-moon glasses. Good ole' Horace, he thought. He secretly congratulated himself on his great taste in new teachers. It seemed he had always had good luck in that; Quirrel with that snazzy turban and his way with words, Lockhart and his dazzling teeth and vast knowledge, Lupin-well, Lupin was a bit of a mistake, but oh, Moody was a very good choice, even if he turned out to be Lord Voldemort's best buddy. And now Dumbledore was glad to have Snape, who was probably his best appointment yet because of his trustworthiness and fun-loving personality. So naturally, Dumbledore was pleased to see Professor Slughorn parading around the school as if he had just inhaled from an aerosol can.

Slughorn, meanwhile was contemplating how to make his escape. It came to him in a flash, but would require a rather atrocious act. Filled with sugar-sharpened remorse at his deeds, he turned around and chucked a piece of crystallized pineapple at the headmaster with all his might, hoping it would render him unconscious. An evil act, indeed, he thought. A perfectly good piece of crystallized pineapple gone to waste. Slughorn turned and ran...right into Blaise Zabini. He had just seen Blaise at his Slug Club meeting but apparently Blaise had been searching for him.

"Professor! Professor! I need to tell you something!" he said in a bragging, stereotypically Slytherin tone. Slughorn paused. Blaise looked like he was about to burst.

"I'm...a real boy!" Blaise practically shouted. He was so proud he had to run bragging to Slughorn. "But man, I feel like a woman!" Slughorn, however, was in no mood to speak to the boy, about his gender issues or anything else, so he pulled Blaise's robe over his head and ran away cackling.

He passed by the door tot he restrooms and stepped inside. Blaise wouldn't find him there. It was hard enough just to figure out which bathroom to go into. What he saw next really confused him. There was the sleek-haired blonde son-of-a-death-eather kid bawling his eyes out, his eyes all big and pathetic. When he saw Professor Slughorn enter the room though, his face brightened.

"Oh, Professor Slughorn, my Slytherin compatriot, do join me! I am composing a most delightful plan to kill Dumbledore. It's coming on quite nicely!" His lip began to tremble again, and it was obvious he was lying. Slughorn growled. One thing registered in his mind. Crying-death-eater-boy-who-wants-to-kill-one-of-the-greatest-most-benevolent-wizards-of-all-time no pineapple.

"Oh, it's frickin' useless! I'm on Plan # 348: Operation Instant Failure. I don't get why the last plan didn't work out. I mean, sure it might have been a little over-complicated what with the ketchup and the catapult and the cannibal albino midgets from New Jersey and the...Professor? Are you alright?"

At this point, Slughorn's eyes bugged out. This wimpy blonde kid was not discussing pineapple, crystallized or non, which meant that he was either truly evil or filled with a hatred for all things yellow and citrus. To Slughorn, they were the same. He raised his wand over him. The boy would learn to respect fruits, even the Gilderoy Lockhart variety.

"Ananas-endium Fructalis !" Slughorn rubbed his hands together and left the room with an air of accomplishment. On the ground stood a tiny, quivering pineapple. In between its leaves there was slick blonde hair.

Alex: Hey, Sasha, do you know what I like to do in my spare time?

Sasha: What?

Alex: Review!


	3. Annoying Questions

_Chapter Two:Annoying Questions, Open-ended and Multiple Choice. _

After the bathroom incident, Slughorn began walking down the hallway at a determined pace, his walrus-like face very intent. He had not had crystallized pineapple for twenty minutes straight. This meant war. He came back to his pineapple shaped case, which had been sitting in his office dejectedly, and unscrewed the top off of it, which he took and fastened to his head with the pink ribbon that had come with the package. Now he looked very determined; as determined as a drunk trying to walk a straight line. There was one place to find that divine fruit and that was the Hogwarts kitchen.

Moving very swiftly and gracefully for a man of his age, Slughorn wound his way through the castle towards the painting of the pear. Instead of tickling it, however, he clawed at it, as a desperate carnivorous animal would at anything blocking its way. The fruit painting swung open and he staggered inside. Hundreds of little faces turned up to look at him and gasped at the menacing figure. Was the contraption on his head some sort of fashion statement?

"Do you happen to have any candied fruit, elves?" asked Horace Slughorn, in a surprisingly sane manner. However, since house elves were prevented from getting a school education by the Man (who was keeping them down, man!) they did not understand the function of commas in separating ideas in a sentence. Thus, they were very bewildered by the fact that they did not have any candied fruit elves. In fact, they had never even heard of such a thing and it sounded rather ominous to them. But they were still very eager to help their visitor.

"Sir," began one timid house elf, "are these...'elves' you speak of made of fruit or real elves?"

Slughorn stared. There was an awkward silence.

"What elves? What on earth are you talking about, you miserable creature!"

"Kreacher? Oh no no no, Sir. That's Kreacher, the elf standing over there, Sir!" the little elf smilingly tried to correct Slughorn and pointed. Slughorn huffed angrily.

"Listen, you stupid elf: I've had enough of these games! I give up with you! Surely there must be crystallized pineapple somewhere else in this castle." And with that, Professor Slughorn whisked out of the room.

The little house elf Slughorn was speaking to turned to the others, very confused and asked "Why did he call me Shirley?"

Ba dum chhhh!

In his eagerness to find more of his favorite sugary treat, Slughorn bounded up the steps, taking two at a time. As he ran, driven by dogged determination and animal instinct, he thought of how crystallized pineapple was made. Did the sugary squares reproduce by budding, like sponges, or did pineapples mate with sugar cubes? He was so involved in these thoughts that he barely noted the boy in front of him, into whom he crashed full-force.

The boy did not fall, however, for he was The Boy Who Maintained His Balance aka the Chosen One- destined to ?

A. free the Hebrews from the Egyptians and take them to the promiseland.

B. free all humans from living in a computerized dreamworld called the Matrix.

C. free the world from Lord Voldemort.

If you chose anything other than C, then you are an idiot. Anyway, moving on. Said boy didn't look as if he wanted much to be in Slughorn's presence and the feeling was mutual. Harry spoke nervously, "Um...Hello, Professor Slughorn. Wasn't that _just_ a pity that I had Quidditch practice right when you scheduled your Slug Club meeting? I just never seem to have the _luck_, do I?"

While Harry was talking, something went 'ding, ding, ding!' in Slughorn's mind. It had to do with a guy named Felix. But he wasn't some sexy foreign exchange student, this time. Oh, no! This time he was a very useful potion that Harry happened to possess, ready-made. Slughorn put his hand on Harry's shoulder amicably and began, "Not a probem at all, my dear boy. Not a problem at all." With his other hand he slipped into Harry's pocket three galleons and two tickets to see the Weird Sisters, who he knew personally (just so you know).

"So, Harry," Slughorn gave a false smile. "Remember that little gift of Felix Felicis potion I made for you a couple months ago?" As he said this, Harry felt something tap him on the ear. He swirled around to see the hand on his shoulder holding a 2nd place gymnastics medal. Slughorn added, conversationally, "Go ahead, dear boy, that's for you!" whilst slipping a box of what used to be chocolate-covered crystallized pineapple and chocolate covered strawberries but what was now a box of just chocolate-covered strawberries into Harry's other pocket.

"This is all very nice, Professor but, um, I have to go...help feed Hagrikeet's pet, Pagrid...I mean Hagrid's pet parakeet...yea." He tried to look convincing, pleased with himself for his clever excuse. However, Slughorn sensed the lie immediately, because he was a smart man. He gripped Harry's shoulder painfully and when the boy looked at his teacher, Slughorn had flecks of foam at the corners of his mouth.

"Don't you get it, you idiot! I'm trying to bribe you! Gimme your bottle of Felix! NOW!"

Harry glanced nervously at the inscription on 2nd place medal.

"2nd place awarded to Raluca Petrescu? But I'm not a little girl trained from the age of two for the Olympics by overcompetitive Romanian parents who want their country to be known for more than just the Numa Numa song! What would I want this medal for anyway? "

"Well, uh..." The question really had him stumped. He actually let go of Harry's shoulder for a moment. "I...uh..you could scratch the name out? Look, I don't really care. Just give me- "

But Harry liked to ask questions when no one wanted him to. Dumbledore knew this very well and even though he just smiled serenly and answered Harry with unending patience, he was also picturing the young boy being strapped to a rocket and sent to the moon where the lack of oxygen deprived him of the capacity to ask annoying and nosy questions. And that is why Harry interrupted him now-

"Hey, Professor Slughorn- How come that's your name? I mean, you're neither a slug nor a horn. What's up with that? I think I have a right to know."

Slughorn's eyes looked like they were going to pop out of his head. But Harry's questions did not stop there. It was as if someone had shaken a champagne bottle and Slughorn had pulled the cork out. Mr. Potter's inquisitive nature had finally found its outlet.

"I'm the Chosen One, you know! I have a right to know everything! Why is Dumbledore's hand messed up? Why are Ron and Hermione in denial? To be or not to be? Why do fools fall in love? Who lives in a pineapple- "

At this, Harry was cut off by Slughorn attempting to strangle him.

"Now tell me where the damn Felix Felicis is and I'll let you live!" Out of all the garbled words, Slughorn made out one- "..socks.."

"I don't care about your laundry, boy! I- " But he had realised that the Felix must be hidden in socks at which he tore off to the Gryffindor Tower, dragging a reluctant and suffocating Harry behind him.

_Now that you have finished this chapter, will you ?_

_A. Die_

_B. Join a nudist colony_

_C. Water your pet cactus_

_D. Review_

_Note: Be careful, there are going to be questions like this on the SAT. _


End file.
